As much as I hate turning everything into an argument for why my gender is oppressed, the reality of women’s clothing is that it’s often tight and specifically cut- which means that 95% of body types end up simply looking awkward. And while there is great diversity in women’s garment styles that makes this deficiency a bit easier to navigate, certain basic or “staple” items like tank-tops tend not to vary much from this “one-style-fits-all” norm- and we are left with 5 critical ways that tank tops set out to ruin our lives.
- The one with the donut roll.
Do you know what I mean? One minute, all is well and you are walking to your first period class, and the next you sit down to discover that your tank top has rolled up to above your belly button, giving you a nice muffin top. There’s no going back at this point; for the rest of the day, you’re basically condemned to be a giant, unflattering fruit roll up. The worst thing is the feeling of fabric angrily sliding up your back when you sit down, leaving you to wonder whether the person behind you can see your underwear.
- The one with the mile-long straps.
I’m talking about those tank tops that you pull up every 5 seconds and they still manage to malfunction with enough vengeance to give everyone a good look at your bra. And don’t even think about bending over; the fabric covering the front will lift off of your skin to give you a surreal, out-of-tank-top experience.
- The one that says, “Oh, remember the 5 pounds you gained last month? Screw you.”
Some tank tops have a special way of making you look like you’re sporting a small inner tube around your waist. But in case there was any doubt, it makes sure to hug the inside of your bellybutton and reassure passerby that it actually IS your stomach. Except 10x bulgier than normal.
- The one with all the awkward cut-outs, or with a weird cut.
There are lots of bras around nowadays to fit every body type and make everyone look great; however, they do their best work behind-the-scenes. The worst things are those tank tops that set out to awkwardly frame your bra straps for the whole world to see, making you look like you’re conspiring against all of those moms and teachers who told you that bra straps were evil. Not to mention, the mosaic formed by this criss cross of fabric is sure to give you the worst tan lines ever.
- The see-through one.
I wish I had a real-life statistic to use for this, but probably 4 out of 10 tank tops are slightly sheer in a most unintentional and unflattering way. I’m looking at you, Aritzia.
In brief, never trust a tank top- especially one you meet on the internet. Maybe someday you’ll walk into a store and find your perfect match- but if you end up like me, jaded and cynical, just remember that we only get two months of summer here anyway.
Photos taken from:
hercampus.com
bodyrock.tv
irishmirror.ie
fierceforwardforlife.com
whenyouliveinlisbon.tumblr.com
carrieburrows.com
