Making Peace

At 8 I was told I’m too dark.

At 10 I was told I look like a terrorist.

At 11 I was told I should shave my face.

At 15 I was told I am too short.

And at 17 I have finally made peace with myself and my body.

Having gone to 14 different schools, I taught myself to have thick skin, to over look the constant bullying and criticism that comes along with being the new “freak” at school. But somehow I was able to overlook the comments that would be falsely and harshly judging my character but I was never able to overlook the comments made on the way I looked.

When I first moved to Canada, I was studying at UHill elementary in UBC. But shortly after turning 8 years old, during the summer my family and I moved yet again, and I found out I am one of the three people of colour in my school. Because of the constant bullying, I ate by myself and some days I flat out refused to eat, I hated going out in the sun because I would only tan. When I went up a grade, my family said I was too skinny, given the fact you could count my rib bones through my shirt. Although things did start to get better for me because I made my first friend there, she was picked on for being too pale so she understood some what I was going through.

When we moved again, it was a fairly diverse school, and although I only went for three weeks, I wish I hadn’t. People called me a terrorist and called me worse names than before, names I would ask my parents about. At this point I flat out refused to get out of the house all summer. I was still not happy with the way my skin looked, so I wore mostly black to make me look lighter against the clothes I wore. When I moved schools again, I was happy because I was friends with many people right away and people were most accepting. Then in about a year, my friends started calling me a boy, because unlike them, I didn’t wear a proper bra yet, because unlike them, most of my friends were guys, and on top of all that the hair on my upper lip would stand out more than most.

Now although I wasn’t discriminated against because of the colour of my skin, I added another thing to my list that I didn’t like about myself. I still have people comment and point it out, but thankfully I don’t let it bother me anymore. In February of this year,  I started to go to the gym. And although I wasn’t seeing too many results I was losing weight and becoming lean. And when I initially started to try dresses on in March, I wasn’t too happy with the way my body looked in any dress. But around came April, and I went to a bridal shop with a friend and after trying on 17 dresses that day alone, I tried on an dark red mermaid dress and I was so happy with the way my body had started to look!

As time went on, I got more and more lazy with how many times a week I would go to the gym. Because of that and stress eating because of IB exams and diploma’s, I found I had gained unhealthy weight again. I became overly conscious about how much I was eating, and I began to eat very little. In June whilst my grandparents were here, they made me promise them that I would eat more and or they would leave early if I didn’t start eating more. I started eating about 2500 calories a day and going to the gym at least 5 days a week with next to no cardio, just moderate weight training and HITT (high interval intensity training) twice a week. Although I was still not seeing the big difference in my body I wanted, I didn’t realize that by the end of July, I had gained 13 pounds, even though I had lost a few inches off my hips and waist! Once I saw that I was 113 pounds finally, I was truly content with my body even if it wasn’t very curvy or strong yet. I started to feel more motivated after seeing that big increase in muscle mass. I started watching a lot of fitness journey videos and about how so many people had the same struggles with their bodies when they first started going to the gym. I did a lot more research about warm ups and exercises, and came up with a workout regimen. I tried my best to only have a cheat snack thrice a week. But the more I did this, the most I fell in love with the way my body is and the way it looks and performs. Instead of focusing on how my body looks, I focused more on how well my body was performing! I never stopped to appreciate how much my body can bear and how well it copes after a workout or how it doesn’t let me down.

For me, I don’t think I would have been able to love my body the way I do now if I had kept focusing on just the way it looks and the way it doesn’t looks like a fitness models (yet). Visual result and performance results takes time, and patience is key. I think we have to be able to love our body before we can start seeing true and effective results. For me, this was a long hard struggle of looking at the glass half full rather than the glass half empty.  From learning to loving the way I rock my skin and body type to the way I look in all clothes and how I look whether I stand or sit, I am finally and for once contented with the way I look.