This past week, that perfect combination of luck and spare cash emerged to allow me to travel to Italy and Greece with a touring group. My expectations were pretty much on par with every girl’s fallacy that life in these places is essentially a B-list chick flick, and were exceeded. Now I’m not saying that my trip is going to be winning any Oscars this year- just that it will be nominated. Indeed, pictures of me “holding up” the tower of Pisa, standing next to the Statue of David, and putting “bunny ears” on the Pope will be shown at the event, in case you didn’t get a chance to catch it on Netflix.
And of course, seeing so many ancient sites, many of which acted as construct for some of our modern-day ideas, was enlightening. Also enlightening was our first day in Rome, when Marsha, a girl on my trip, leaned over to me and said, “You’ve got a spot on your pants.”
I’m not quite sure why I wasn’t prepared for this. I was prepared for bugs, the sun, the rain, pickpockets, long walks up marble steps, and private bathrooms. I guess I thought it would be jet lagged and come 8 hours late or something. But, as by ancient tradition, blood was shed at the colosseum.
Based on my experience, I’ve compiled a list of helpful tips for if you find yourself in the same predicament as me: sightseeing whilst shedding your endometrium.
1. Beware of layovers at the Montreal airport.
Sure, they’ve got tampon dispensers- helpful, as long as they are never confused with their Trident or flavoured condom dispensing counterparts. Granted, I’d be more wary of a mix-up in the other direction; I have been quoted as saying, “I thought they were selling tampon-flavored gum.”
2. The tourist industry in Rome is very accommodating.
In fact, they graciously stock the Colosseum with enough selfie stick vendors so that every PMS-sy woman and her fed-up friends have someone to yell at.
3. Beware of bathroom line-induced toxic shock syndrome-
change your tampon in public if you have to! The Italians have seen worse; David’s always hanging out, and let’s not even get started on Pompeii.
4. Never ask a tour guide for a feminine hygiene item;
don’t be fooled by their seemingly elaborate grasp of the English language! They are operating in a very small niche, and if you’re not asking about the origin of Venetian marble, they probably have no idea what you’re talking about.
5. There must be some sort of uterine pun associated with Florence.
Flow-rence? There’s something there, I know it.
6. If you ever just need to clean up, remember that bidets are a thing. (Verdict: refreshing)
7. And last but not least, always remember that wielding a used tampon is a good way to discourage solicitors from approaching you on the street.
Thanks for reading! I hope that this advice will help you in your travels!
Tune in next time for… Bloody Mary: A Girl’s Guide to Menstruation in the Vatican.
sources:
istockphoto.com/matthewwieesdixon
