Perhaps you have something you have never told anyone about yourself… perhaps there are thoughts you have never shared… what do you hold in the deeper areas of your heart, soul and mind?
My secret is that although I may seem confident, I often doubt myself too.
There is a constant internal tug of war between self-doubt and self-confidence. I feel like most people view me as someone who is smart and successful, but in a way, that is also dehumanizing. It builds up an expectation that I am invulnerable to problems, when in reality, I go through the same worries that other students have too. However, I still feel like people are intimidated by me or that I am above them, in an academic or social sense.
That is the exact opposite of what I want.
I strive to help others and treat them as equals. I have earned the respect and friendship of others, but there have been times where I have hurt others as well. I am imperfect, but that is what makes me who I am. Those who only see the confident side of me do not understand me fully. That is why I want to share the darker side of myself. I can acknowledge my insecurities, but then recognize all of my strengths.
Darkness is needed to in order to show light.
I fear that I’m not good enough or that I’m going to fail, especially when it comes to being a musician. I applied to the music faculty at the University of Calgary with the goal of one day becoming a music teacher. I have the academic requirements, but I also have to audition at the end of February and that will determine if I get accepted or not. The problem is that I have no formal music training and I lack performance experience. I get intense stage anxiety, which causes my lips to quiver. It’s painfully obvious because my sound starts shaking.
However, it is something that I am working on overcoming. I have been told I am talented and I genuinely believe that. I still have to put in hard work, but even if I don’t make it, I know it’s not the end of the world. My second program of choice is English, which is something I am also passionate about. Failure is an unavoidable part of life, but it can be treated as an opportunity to improve, rather than something to be ashamed about.
I also fear that I don’t take enough risks. Although I have accomplished many things, I can’t help but compare myself to other youth. They are the same age as me or younger, but they have started their own non-profit organizations, won prestigious awards, and were involved in everything. I view them as role models, but at the same time, I beat myself up for not stepping out of my comfort zone more often.
With a mixture of self-deprecation and jealousy, I think to myself:
I could’ve done that too.
After that, I come to the realization that they are human as well – that they are more than their achievements. They face their personal challenges, just like me and everyone else. How I view them is the same as how some people view me. Therefore, I should treat them as equals. Not to diminish their accomplishments or elevate my own, but rather to recognize everyone has self-worth. A person is more than their grades or awards. Everyone has their own place in the world and something to contribute. It is not a competition. I play my small role in the school community and the world at large.
That is all I can hope for.
I am who I am, and I accept myself for that. Others accept me for who I am, and that gives me great confidence. However, there are still times when doubt creeps in and my conviction wavers. I can lie awake in bed for hours, obsessing over all of the problems in my life. The next morning, there is a sense of renewal and another opportunity to make the most of my day, instead of wasting time worrying.
My life is a series of pushes and pulls. It is more like a continuum than a dichotomy of doubt and confidence. I exist somewhere in between. My identity can be compared to the Taoist symbol of the yin-yang. Light and darkness, or in this case, confidence and doubt, are part of an indivisible whole. They are contrary forces, but can also be complementary and interconnected. I can find hope in all of my fears, and silver linings in all of my mistakes. I am not always confident, nor am I always doubtful.
I am the sum of my confidence and doubt, and to understand that is to see the true me.
As an introductory assignment to English 30, we had to tell our teacher a secret about ourselves. Whether it was something as large as our place in the world or so small that only we would think about. The writing was to be accompanied with a visual. I wrote this back in January and it’s interesting to see how things have and haven’t changed. Namely, my audition for the Bachelor of Music program didn’t work exactly how I envisioned, but I’m still happy. I got into a similar program and I was still be pursuing my love of music.
This is one secret that I’m want to share, though it’s not much of a secret anymore. Often it is an individual’s secrets that reveal the most about their character. It is often this candid vulnerability that other people can relate to the most. As John Koenig, the creator of the Dictionary of Obscure Sorrows, eloquently puts it: “It’s the kind of basic human vulnerability that we’d all find familiar, but is still somehow surprising when we notice it in others. It’s an open question why we have such public confidence, and such private doubts.”
Looking back, I am reminded of his video about “Socha: The Hidden Vulnerability of Others”. Although I wasn’t aiming for it, a lot of my ideas presented in this writing assignment are reflected in this video.
