Disclaimer, this post is extremly cheesy and very personal. If you get bored or happen to fall asleep reading it, just look at the pretty gifs.
Have you ever just had one of those nights where you just can’t seem to fall asleep. Those nights where no matter how hard you try to hit the hay, something always seems to clutter your mind. You know, those late nights, where all you can ever think of is something that you may have done wrong or memories of the past you wish to relive. Those nights where your mind begins to dream, yet you are awake, and those dreams are actually figments from the past.
This has been my problem for quite some nights now. I’ve been having sleepless nights just thinking about the strangest things. Things that would never even cross the sanest of minds. Things like, have I turned the lights off in the hallway, which actually came first, the chicken or the egg, if I were to drink 6L of water would I explode? And for some reason, you just always seem to have the urge to go to the bathroom. And when you do, it’s when you just got comfortable in the bed. Then later you realise, you didn’t actually need to go to the bathroom.
My mind has been having problems and has always seemed to be cluttered. Past the midnight hour, my mind would wander off into the abyss of my thoughts. Exploring thoughts I never actually had before. Thoughts that often lead to the greater question of the meaning of life. Thoughts that would later become sweet memories thought to be forgotten.
These memories become alive in the darkness of my room. Only light peering through is the moon’s silvery face. And in her eerie light becomes my past. The past where I get to watch it all in front of my eyes. I’ve remembered memories of my childhood. Days when I’d get scared whenever I’d eat a fruit seed because I thought that a tree would grow in my stomach. Days when I would play with every toy so I wouldn’t make the rest jealous. Days where I’d watch the raindrops on the windows fall. I remember memories of friends and great experiences I had watching fireworks and seeing the moon rise over the mountains.
I’d remember them, yet no matter how sweet. The memories just get darker. And once I go deeper, I realise all the bad things I’ve done to people. This wakes me up from the fantasy and returns me back to the idea of insomnia. After not having slept for two days, it occurred to me, the internet was the best way to find a cure. They say in psychology, dreams are remnants of the subconscious. According to Freud, stress or some anxiety was keeping me awake. Buddhism calls for meditation in times of concious clutter. The idea of clearing ones head to make sense of everything.
Seeing no other choice, I tried it just to see what would it bring me…It brought me nothing. I know meditation works in the best of times, yet no matter how hard I’d clear my head, new memories and thoughts would overwhelm me and slowly take centre stage in my head. Then I realise, what if Freud was right. What if these memories and thoughts were just something that distracted me from what was truly bothering me. Was it some stress or maybe an anxiety. Or maybe I just missed someone.
I guess, I didn’t miss this person in the sense I thought I did. The thing is, when we miss people, I guess it consumes us and often times, I guess makes us miss that person more. I realised that, though friends are gone, they never leave. It was through those memories, the things my mind was trying to remind me of, that though we are separated, we touched each others lives in profound ways. That is the legacy that everyone has on the world. The one day where we imprint so much happiness onto someone’s life, that it slowly becomes them and changes everything about them. I guess my mind had it right all along. I guess it was speaking and I just wasn’t listening. I guess I didn’t want to listen. I realised that separation was something we’d all have to deal with. Those memories though, will always stay, and that is what united us.
The late night is never meant for those who are in love. The late night isn’t meant for those who are happy and content. The late night is meant for those who have nothing but sadness and fears. The late night is a time where all those fears and sad thoughts come to gain true insight. Where those thoughts could be rationalised and complied into a grander truth. I guess, while everyone had their blissful sleeps, I wonder how many people stay awake at night having the same situation.
Just a thought. Quite a sad thought actually, yet just as well. Bottom line here is, just hope you have a wonderful day. And hopefully a wonderful night and a great sleep.
