I am totally not cynical about the holidays! I just like poking fun at songs. Designed for children. Poor, innocent minds… being corrupted with the following songs! If you missed part 1, please click HERE!
5. All I Want for Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
So, we’re back to wanting things for Christmas. First off, that’s not really what Christmas is about. Religious purposes aside, it’s a time to spend with loved ones and just be more giving and generous. This song seems innocent enough, but it is one of the biggest problems for people who celebrate Christmas: they forget the true meaning and simply want want want. I don’t think it’s a “catastrophe” that you’re missing two front teeth; if you’re a kid, I’m pretty sure that’s normal. If you’re an adult… then I’m sorry you either got punched or got into an accident.
Plus, how could Santa give a child her two front teeth? He’s not a dentist… nor the tooth fairy (although that’s kind of the opposite of what she does). Wouldn’t it be pretty odd to open up a small present and only see two teeth in it? Come on, it’s not like Dennis the Menace where the kid replaces Mr. Wilson’s teeth with Chicklets gum. Now that would be super creepy.
4. The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late)
I’ve gotta be honest with you: Chipmunk songs annoy the heck out of me. It’s not quite as bad as passing off animal sounds as music, but it’s almost at that level. You’ve got your nasal-y singers like Britney Spears, but why did we have to resort to high-pitched vocals? Music is so weird these days.
Aside from that, the lyrics to this song really encompasses Alvin and the Chipmunks. You always see them getting into trouble, but now you see them in a whole new light: being big brats, especially around the holidays. I don’t know how Dave puts up with these talking animals (which is a red flag already, because that means you’re living in the Disney universe of some sort). The Chipmunks essentially want Christmas to come fast because it’s a “time for toys” and they “want a plane that loops the loop.”
And that ol’ patient Dave, he had to call Alvin’s name at least 10 times in this song (because he’s the “bad boy” that doesn’t pay attention) and he tries to give the boys some constructive criticism in the middle of the song. I’m sure it’s supposed to be funny, but after you know the Alvin and the Chipmunks shpeel (like Scooby Doo’s meddling kids bit), this song is more like one semi-decently written stanza, plus a bunch of hilarious references to the singers.
3. Santa Baby
Okay, this song has been covered by numerous artists; I understand that a band like The Pussycat Dolls would cover this, but Taylor Swift also did this. And it wouldn’t be so bad if the song didn’t sound like the singer was flirting with Santa. I’m sure the intentions of this sing are to simply get “an out-of-space convertible,” a yacht, a “deed to a platinum mine,” and on and on. Just because the singer claims to have been good this year doesn’t mean she should get a gigantic present that’s worth a lot! And imagine millions of women singing this song; I think Santa would be broke.
I just think the worst part of this is calling Santa “baby” and”cutie”. He’d be like a grandfather figure and hearing someone using terms of endearment is simply too creepy. Not only are the lyrics about a spoiled girl who wants a bunch of expensive stuff, but she’s doing it in a terrible way: by using her sexuality as a weapon (or being/sounding sexy). Although I gotta admit the tune’s quite catchy.
2. Baby, It’s Cold Outside
This famous song is basically a girl singing with the boy responding in a super creepy way. She wants to leave his house, but he keeps protesting that it’s cold outside and he spikes her drink to stop her, too. Even though he’s complimenting her, you can definitely tell that his intentions are very, very bad. The guy seriously doesn’t understand when a girl says “no,” and despite her protests, the girl does nothing. If it were me, I would have bolted out the door before the guy could call me baby (and I’m assuming the two don’t really know each other).
The lesson here? Even though there are millions of reasons to do something (leave the house) you know you should do, a guy’s sultry voice and protests are enough to keep you there forever until he’s done with you.
1. I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause
I can’t imagine anything worse than seeing your mother kissing a stranger who is probably too old for her (assuming he’s immortal or something). Note that the kid is a creeper, “She didn’t see me creep,” which might lead to great stalking skills in the future. The mom, who is still married by the way, tickles Santa Clause, who is also married, and they kiss. It’s a short song, but it has a huge potential to scar anyone who hears it. I’m not sure if the mom has a thing for older guys, but Clause has no excuse for cheating on his wife!
So that is my wrap-up of the holidays: revealing terrible messages from classic Christmas songs. I hope you had a fantastic 2011, and I hope you all survive 2012!
