The Charisma Myth

The Charisma Myth is a book by Olivia Fox Cabane, an American writer and public speaker. In her book, she expands on “How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism,” her main point being that charisma can be taught and is not an innate quality, that it can be perfected by anyone.

Here are the key takeaways I got from the book:

HOW TO BE PRESENT AND IN THE MOMENT

Set a timer for one minute. Close your eyes and try to focus on one of three things:

1. Sounds: Scan your environment for sound.
2. Your breath: Focus on your breath and the sensations it creates in your nostrils or stomach as it goes in and out.
3. Your toes: Focus your attention on the sensations in your toes.

RESPONSIBILITY TRANSFER

Whenever you feel your brain rehashing possible outcomes to a situation, try a transfer of responsibility to alleviate the anxiety.

1. Sit comfortably or lie down, relax, and close your eyes.
2. Take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing clean air toward the top of your head. As you exhale, let it whoosh out, washing all your worries away.
3. Imagine lifting the weight of everything you’re concerned about off your shoulders and placing it in the hands of whichever entity you want in charge.

DE-STIGMATIZING DISCOMFORT

These steps are for when an emotional discomfort is hindering you:

1. Remind yourself that this is normal and that we all experience it from time to time.
2. Think of others who have gone through this, especially people you admire.
3. Remember that right now, in this very moment, many others are going through this very same experience.

NEUTRALIZING NEGATIVITY

This is an extension of the last point and is for when you are having persistent negative thoughts:

• Remember that these thoughts may be inaccurate.
  
• Imagine yourself from afar. Zoom out to see planet Earth hanging in space. Zoom back in to see your tiny self having a particular experience at this particular moment.
• Imagine your mental chatter as coming from a radio; turn the volume down or put the radio to the side.

REWRITING REALITY

If there is a mental annoyance that is too persistent to leave, thinking of an alternating reality can help you gain a calmer internal state.

♦ Ask yourself a few times, “What if this experience is, in fact, a good thing for me?” and watch how creative your mind can get with its answers.

♦ When you’re dealing with more serious situations, write down your new realities by hand. Write: “The presentation is going well . . .” Or, better yet, use past tense: “The presentation was a complete success . . .”G

THE PERFECT HANDSHAKE

1. Keep your right hand free.
2. Use plenty of eye contact, and smile warmly but briefly.
3. Keep your head straight and face the other person.
4. Keep your hand perpendicular, thumb pointing straight to the ceiling.
5. Get full palm contact by draping your hand diagonally downward.
6. Wrap your fingers around your counterpart’s hand.
7. Once you make full contact, squeeze to their level of firmness.
8. Shake from the elbow, step back, and then let go.

GREAT LISTENING

A good listener, believe it or not, listens more than talks. Let the other person talk, and from time to time, wait a second or two before you answer while letting your face show the impact of what they’ve just said.

VOICE FLUCTUATION

You can gain great insights into everything about your voice’s fluctuation by practicing sentences with a tape recorder. Repeat a sentence several times with as wide a variation in styles as you can. Say it with authority, with anger, with sorrow, with empathetic care and concern, with warmth, and with enthusiasm. This allows you to learn what you sound like when you talk, so when you express those emotions in front of someone else, you know truly what effect you are giving.

VOCAL POWER

This is an extension of the last point, and essentially describes how to have an impact with your voice.

1. Speak slowly.
2. Pause. People who broadcast confidence often pause while speaking. This conveys the feeling that they’re so confident in their power, they trust that people won’t interrupt.
3. Check your breathing. Make sure you’re breathing deeply into your belly and inhale and exhale through your nose rather than your mouth. Breathing through your mouth can make you sound breathless and anxious.

“BEING THE BIG GORILLA”

Doing this exercise allows you to practice confidence in front of someone intimidating

Disclaimer: Do exercise in private unless you want to assert extra dominance.

1. Make sure you can breathe.
2. Stand up and shake up your body.
3. Take a wide stance and plant your feet firmly on the ground.
4. Stretch your arms to the ceiling.
5. Stretch your arms to the walls on either side of you.
6. INFLATE. Try to take up as much space as possible.
7. Roll your shoulders up and then back.
8. Puff up your chest, broaden your shoulders, and put your arms behind your back.

This helps you create an inner mindset that you have no reason to be intimidated by someone else.

MID-COURSE CORRECTIONS

♦ If any negative thoughts are present, remember that they’re just thoughts, and not necessarily valid.
♦ Check your body. Make sure no tense posture is worsening your internal state. Take a deep breath, and relax.
♦ Find little things to be grateful for: your ability to breathe, the fact that you will still be alive by the end of this.
♦ Imagine getting a great hug from someone you trust for twenty seconds (of course, you may not have twenty seconds, but if you do, this is remarkably effective).

Once your threat response is quieted down, to bring yourself back into a state of confidence, remember a moment in your life when you felt absolute triumph. Your brain cannot distinguish between reality and imagination, so your body will be filled with the same chemical, therefore changing your body language to something more confident and persuasive again.

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